Don’t. Just don’t.
Andrea Bellamy |


Don’t do this. Don’t nurture tomatillos, zucchini and fennel from seed only to abandon the adult plants when you realize that your balcony, which isn’t equipped with a water tap – oh, they’ll put in an electrical outlet, sure, so you can string fairy lights or, say, blow dry your hair, but nothing as advanced as RUNNING WATER, crazy girl, what do you think this is, a developed nation with the world’s largest freshwater supply? – gets super hot during the day even though it’s only east-facing, so that the pots need watering twice a day even though you put a moisture-retaining soil additive in when planting them up, and you have to carry the full watering can up two flights of stairs everytime because your Haws won’t fit under the tap in the upstairs bathroom and you can’t evacuate the pots from the balcony because soil-in they weigh a million pounds at least and you already hurt your back lugging that bloody watering can upstairs everyday and then you finally realize that you’re not going to get any tomatillos or zucchini and you’ve already harvested the two fennel bulbs that were worth eating, God bless ’em, because the heat and lack of water is stressing the plants to the point that they just aren’t going to fruit so you finally just give up and stop watering even though everytime you step out onto the balcony, which you now avoid doing, they scream (albeit weakly) at you, “How COULD you? There’s still time – save us!” and you’re wracked with the guilt and embarrassment of it all (since you’re supposed to be a gardener and gardeners just don’t do that to plants!), well, it’s enough to drive a girl mad. So take my word on this one. Just don’t.

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